*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
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When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.