Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
So the ex texted me