If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
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I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY