I’ll be mad as hell!
You Might Also Like
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Damn he played himself
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
What even happened today?