7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility