My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Finally!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”