Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
HOW DARE YOU
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Found my door mat
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.