[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
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[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.