Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Trains are just sideway elevators.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.