[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
A Short Story.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.