( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
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JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much