captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
fair
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??