I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
the three genders
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.