GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
what are they serving at kfc then???
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.