You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.