Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I already tried new things thanks.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.