my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
You Might Also Like
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.