Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
You Might Also Like
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?