I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume