My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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This is enough internet for the day.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Not recommended for beginners.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”