One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible