“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea