I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
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“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.