This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Monday?
No. Next question.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
when you are just born a rebel
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too