[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.