sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.