I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Guantanamo Bae
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
fair
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
smh
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.