ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My first son he is wonderful
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.