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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My wedding will be open casket.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her: