Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised