Before & after 😅
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“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.