*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You Might Also Like
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.