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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you