[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Got ya covered
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
nobody’s gonna understand
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time