A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.