I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
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Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
listen closely
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes