Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.