[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
You Might Also Like
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?