Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Only Americans understand
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right