Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Mornin. * use accordingly
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.