Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
i hope my email finds you on fire
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.