[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
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[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.