When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Skills
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Tuesday
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away