No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
You Might Also Like
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
<- sleeps well with others
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
A short story of betrayal:
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.