I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
You Might Also Like
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.