The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi