First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
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DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”