Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.