i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry