When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Message from the dog groomers
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh